You REALLY should write these down...

Somehow, I've ended up with kids that say and do some of the most outrageous things - even on the scale of kidspeak. Sometimes I think Art Linkletter could have saved himself a lot of time and just come to hang out with Maddie and Parker.

So, the latest experience that has me shaking my head and wondering what I've done to karma happened yesterday at the public swimming pool in front of about 50 parents.

Parker, who has been taking swimming lessons for THREE years now, has just this week decided that he is terrified of the water. Day one of lessons was alright, a little panic, but still had a kickboard to hang on to as he made his way across the pool. After class that day, he grabbed his towel, stood in front of Eric and I and announced, "No kickboards tomorrow. I'm probably just going to drown." (NOTE: He can swim - he has been for 2 summers now. He's forgotten this.)

So after enjoying his "last meal" (a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats), we headed off to his execution. Parker jumped in the pool and immediately popped back up to tell me he wasn't feeling well. "You can do it!" I encouraged from the full bleachers. And he started out. He made it 90% of the way across, literally one of his own body lengths away from the other side, began treading water and yelling that he was drowning(his head never went under water). His teacher shoved him to the wall and he climbed out. Because of the screaming and thrashing, we had the attention of the entire audience.

I pulled out every parenting theory I'd ever heard about. I sat on the deck, hugged, encouraged, cooed at, coaxed, threatened, grounded, everything short of beating him and throwing him back in. All to no avail. So we headed back to sit and watch his class and I told him he was going to have to call his Dad and tell him what happened, this he found the most upsetting. Here we stood in front of the aforementioned full bleachers and Parker began to scream -

"You don't care about me! You want me to die in the pool! You don't care about me at all! You wish I was dead! You don't even love me. You would be happy if I drowned!"

So I've been found out. I had a son just so I could have him killed in the community pool.

As you can imagine, I received SOOO much helpful advice from several parents in the stands and filthy, dirty looks from several others.

Does anyone know when the ballots are available for Mother Of The Year?